It would be nice sometimes if life worked according to video game rules. You could overcome the challenge, level up, and be able to use that new skill in subsequent levels. And to a certain extent, it kind of does work like that. You usually only have to learn how to ride a bike once, for example (as long as it takes you). Driving also tends to get better as you go along. But a lot of stuff, especially personal development stuff, does not progress that way. We keep having to learn the same lessons over and over. This happens in relationships. How many people do you know keep dating different versions of the same asshole (The asshole with a thousand faces).
A couple of years ago, I think it was December of 2022, I had a major crisis of confidence and a prolonged depression. When I discussed it with my psychiatrist, telling him everything about my life that was bothering me, he said, “Let me introduce you to a concept called Radical Acceptance.” He suggested some books and podcasts, and I read and listened to them, and it actually helped a lot.
The core of radical acceptance is not just accepting everything that happens to you without complaining. It comes from an understanding that we cause ourselves the greatest amount of pain when we resist reality being what it is. When we get wrapped up in the ‘shoulds’ or ‘shouldn’ts.’ If I do this, I should … This shouldn’t be happening … that kind of thing. That is not to say we shouldn’t do our best to face problems head on and try to resist injustice. It’s when we get mortally offended that the world does not seem to be acting the way we think it should that we get stuck and paralyzed. Once we accept reality, we can roll up our sleeves and get about the work of making it better or adjusting to it in healthier ways.
In December of 2022 I was not seeing much progress in my life. I’d put out a couple of books to very little reaction. My dating life was going nowhere. I’d lost 30 pounds the year before, but that journey had gotten stalled. The concept of radical acceptance taught me that the world was under no obligation to conform to my expectations, and If I stopped being mad about that, I could get to work on the real problems. It took a while, but that’s what I did.
It basically comes down to understanding that the world is not fair and is not meant to be. We can be upset about things not being fair, and yes we can try to change systems so they are more fair, if that is within our power, but getting stuck on the ‘it’s not fair!’ of it all doesn’t actually do anything to help you. It helps you infantilize yourself. Whining is the antithesis of action. I’m not saying we shouldn’t care about things being unfair, just to acknowledge that doesn’t mean a whole lot.
Anyway, this realization helped me get my head on straight, for a while at least. I ended up getting into a relationship soon after, I had more success publishing, I wrote more books, I felt better about how things were going because I took material action to change them.
Fast forward to 2024, which was the year that wrecked me. I’ve written about it before, but I lost pretty much everything, including my sense of who I was. But in the middle of all that, I got a certificate in graphic design, I wrote two books, and I landed on my feet, in a much more sustainable situation than I’d been in before.
But for the past couple of months, I’ve started getting lost again in questions of fairness. People with a lot less experience than I have got great book deals. I placed a couple of short stories for publication, but my career seemed to be going nowhere. I wasn’t happy with my book sales. Single again, I got back on the dating apps and everyone on the dating apps said, “Thanks but no thanks” (which, fair). I was having some conflicts with some good friends who were also stuck in crises of confidence. It didn’t seem like anything I could do would materially change the circumstances of my life. The universe didn’t give one flying fuck about how hard I was working. I cycled in and out of depression. I talked about this a lot with my therapist, but I didn’t get into the nitty-gritty with her, because I already knew what she was going to say, and she’d be right.
Here’s the thing: my life is pretty good right now. My days are spent being creative. I don’t have to have a crappy day job that sucks up my energy. I have a safe and comfortable place to live, rest, and work. My bills are paid, even if there’s not a lot of money for extras. There are people who would kill for my life. Twenty years ago, I would have been one of them. The only thing that was wrong was that I wasn’t as successful as I wanted to be. Which …. Ok? And? No one is as successful as they want to be. And when I’m not selling books, it’s pretty much because I haven’t advertised. Maybe nothing has taken off and sold a million copies, but I have readers. I’ve put out nine books in the last four years, after a lifetime of not being able to finish things. And I’m proud of the work I’m doing. I am not homeless. No one is breathing down my neck about anything. My children are grown and have turned into pretty cool, capable people (who, yes, struggle like the rest of us do). I have a functional relationship with my family, when that had always seemed like it would be in doubt if I ever came out. I’m able to be myself wherever I go, and I don’t have to hide the way I did for the first 46 years. After a cancer scare, my body is healthy and does everything I ask of it. I’ve found a faith community that accepts me for who I am. All of these are objectively amazing things, things that I had once not even dared to hope for.
Which led me back to radical acceptance. Again. I was getting caught up in the ‘not fair’ of it all and wasn’t doing the basic things I needed to do to make a difference in my own life and the lives of the people I loved. I wasn’t appreciating the many good things I had, or the fact that I wasn’t as stressed out anymore. Maybe being stressed out had kept me from getting focused on the wrong things. I don’t know.
So, here I am, a knot freshly jerked in my tail, appreciating the things I have, accepting that life is never going to be the way I want it or the way it ‘should’ be. I get to devote my life to work that I love. And I get to work on fun side projects. And all the while, I am not homeless or starving. The fact that my life looks nothing like what I’d always imagined someone my age’s life ‘should’ look like is irrelevant and unhelpful.
I don’t need to be outrageously successful to be happy. How dare I demand that as the price of my contentment? I have goals I would like to reach, but if I am never more successful than I am now, well … fine, I guess. As long as I get to do what I love to do.
I’m not saying Radical Acceptance is the cure for every life problem, but it can be a helpful first step if you find yourself getting stuck on the unfairness of it all. When something bad happens, you can parry with, “Well, that sucked. Now what?” and move on sooner rather than later. And that can give you the strength to work on the things that you can affect,