Well, THAT happened.
That’s my response when looking back at 2024. The badness really started around last Thanksgiving, when I left my job at the library and things got messy. Literally, this was a volunteer job, and I wanted my weekends free so I could go back to school. The rest of the year didn’t get any better. My efforts to save my house came to nothing, and I had to move out in April. A couple of months later my fiancé broke up with me. I fell behind on bills and my car got repossessed (it’s fixed now). Like, I was going to be vague about things to avoid embarrassing myself but fuck it. I had to have major dental work resulting in painful surgery to replace all my upper teeth with permanent dentures. That has been quite an adjustment and I’m still not able to eat like I could before. I’m sure I could come up with other disasters if I thought about it, but I’m trying to move past it.
It wasn’t all bad. I did indeed start school again. Originally, I had planned to get an entire AA in art, but with everything that happened I had become overwhelmed, and really, I needed to focus on just what I needed to do. A full degree would be fun, but I did not have the spoons for it. But I will have, as of Dec 19th, completed the coursework for a Certificate in Digital Art and Design. I’m very proud of accomplishing that amidst the ongoing shitshow.
I safely navigated a move into my parents’ house and found that as much as it hurt giving up my own place and losing that concept of my independence, I’m fine here. My bedroom is big enough that I also have an office in the corner, and I put my giant TV in the rec room I share with the grandkids when they are here. This place gives me everything I need to survive and feel good about things. And not having to deal with managing my own place, and all those bills, has reduced some of the financial pressure, so I’ve been able to pay my parents a little bit of rent (they did not require this, but it was important to my sense of independence).
Getting dumped was awful, but it was probably the kindest thing my fiancé could have done for me. Not going into details, but the relationship was not healthy, and I was ignoring so many red flags it’s embarrassing. I’ve been dating a little bit since then, but not really focusing on it. It feels good to get myself out there and find guys I’m attracted to. I’ve learned I need to focus less, in the early stages, on if I can make them like me and more on if I actually like them. Most people realize this at 22. I’m a little bit of a late bloomer. I’ve decided I would rather be alone than in another bad relationship.
But even so, I am grateful for the experience of my previous relationship. I needed to go through that, I think, to figure out what I really wanted (and also what I was willing to put up with). If anything, it taught me that I have a habit of betraying myself that really needs to be addressed.
I also got some concerning health news this summer. Nothing for certain yet, but I need to be tested for some things. It could be nothing, but like I said, it’s never a good thing when you’re referred to an oncologist. I did finally have the place schedule my consultation on Dec 17th, so I hope I’ll be getting some clarity soon. This entire thing has brought clarity on what I am doing right now and what I want to do in the future. It’s never a bad thing when you figure out why you’re on the planet.
I finished writing three books this year, and published two, the second of which was my short story collection that is right now offered exclusively to newsletter subscribers. I’ll probably release it as a kindle eBook in a couple of months. Next year I hope to publish four books, three of which are already completely written.
And this is personal, but my therapist and I stumbled upon an effective strategy for getting all the different parts of me on the same page. It’s an Internal Family Systems approach, and it has really been helpful. The different parts of me have never been moving in the same direction before, and that has made all the difference. Yes, this is very woo, and I know it’s just a metaphor, but that feels like a major accomplishment.
I also, relieved of some of the financial pressure, started getting my own finances in order to the point that I can start paying off some of my outstanding debt. It will take some time, but I’m no longer overdrafting every month, which feels like a miracle.
Yeah, yeah, a confessional blogging style is part of my brand. You’re welcome.
In all of this, I took a couple of Art History classes, and this provoked a lot of thoughts about art in general and my own writing in particular, and what the f I think I’m doing here. I didn’t make any real changes, but it inspired me to be braver in my work, and really focus on the things that make my work worth more than a couple of hours of entertainment. I have things to say, and I want the work to mean something. Not that everything needs a ‘message,’ but if things don’t get a little deep sometimes, what are we even doing here? My education gave me permission to make some big swings, and not hide behind just ‘making product.’ (Eww) I guess I’m starting to have ideas above my station and that is a feature not a bug.
In all of this I made a list of all the books I wanted to write, finishing current series as starting new ones, and there are 30 books on that list. I made myself a generous schedule, and I should be able to get them written in 12 years. This gives me a focus, and a plan (I always need a plan even though I have adhd), and I’m really happy with this list. I basically just needed to give myself permission to lean into what I wanted to do in the first place.
I’ve refocused myself around the things and the people who really matter. In 2025 I want to really hit the list and write at least two of them and get a good start on the third. I would like to write 400,000 words, which is possible if I can focus. That’s 2000 words five days a week, which I regularly achieve. This year, even though I was in school, and my life was falling apart, I wrote 200,000 words. This blog post is what puts me over the line.
So, 2024 happened. It was a crucible I had to go through to get stronger. I said goodbye to a lot of things and a lot of people, and what’s left I know I’m very committed to. This was not actually the worst year of my life. That was 2007-2008, and the less said about that the better. I learned how to show up for myself in a real way, and to make my own goals and needs a priority. I’m really hoping 2025 is better. I’m not saying, ‘well, it can’t get worse,’ because saying that feels like calling down a lightning strike. It absolutely could get worse, but I’m prepared for it if it does. I survived this year. I’ll survive that too.
So, I’m taking a deep breath, and after school is done, I’m taking a couple of weeks off and getting ready to be back on my full-time writer bullshit in January.