I wouldn’t be a writer if I didn’t think stories were important. Stories have, in the past, saved my life. When I was a suicidal teenager, one of the reasons I held on was because I wanted to find out what happened next in Chris Claremont’s X-Men comics. That sounds like a joke, and maybe it is, a little bit, but not entirely. The right story at the right time can change us, can show us ways in which it is possible to live, can blow our minds and then put them back together. But stories can also hurt us, and nothing is more dangerous to us than the stories we tell ourselves.
I’ll never be successful. I don’t have ‘It!’ I’m too fat/ugly to ever find love. No one has ever really been there for me, why would anyone be there now? I deserved to be cheated on/abandoned/abused. No one would want to read my work, so it’s too embarrassing to show it to people. The people who said nice things about me were just being polite, they didn’t mean it. No one would want to hear from a person like me, there’s nothing special about my story. I am worthless unless I am actively serving someone. If I take a break, I’ll fall so far behind I’ll never catch up. If I am not immediately successful at something I am a failure, and therefore a piece of shit. The things I’m interested in are stupid, so I should just shut up about them. I’m lazy. I’ll never amount to anything. It’s too late for me, so why should I go through all of that effort?
Recognize anything in there? I know I did. Those are all snippets of stories that I have told myself over the years. Some of them rise to the level of intrusive thoughts. And I would love to say that I have done the work to move past them, and these days they don’t bother me, but honestly, some of them have stuck around, and while I am better at ignoring them, they haven’t gone away.
The thing is, yes, stories are powerful, but so are storytellers. Every human is a storyteller, even if they’re not one professionally, and as storytellers we have the power to tell ourselves new stories, which is the only hope we have of replacing the old narratives. Because they must be replaced. They can’t just be ignored.
If you’re struggling with something new, that’s OK. We all must start somewhere, and through hard work and application of our natural talents, we’re capable of accomplishing almost anything. If you’re feeling like a failure because you’re not a bestseller, ask yourself if that is really your goal. You get to define success however you choose. And there are many powerful artists and writers who never achieve financial success or large numbers of sales. It’s a time-honored tradition. If you want to keep writing anyway, no one can stop you. If you’re looking to fall in love and having zero success (relatable) figure out what you really need from a relationship and find out how you can give those things to yourself while you wait for your person to arrive. Believe you are strong enough to handle whatever may happen in new situations, so you don’t avoid them out of fear. Be the hero of your own story. Heroes are tested. They struggle. Everything that happens to you is part of that process, but most heroes, even if they fail, grow as people, and become stronger over time. That can happen to you too if you let it. If you expect it.
Change the stories you tell yourself about your life, even if you feel like you’re being delusional. This is what mindset comes down to, the stories you believe and accept. Failure is not permanent. Neither is success. Loneliness is not forever. Sadness is mandatory but misery is optional.
But listen, I am not here to tell you any of this is easy. It’s also not a ‘put a smile on your face and everything will be fine!’ situation. This is hard work. You may even need the help of a professional to really unpack why you believe in the stories you believe. But you can start by reframing your life and your struggles, using whatever metaphor works for you. This is not to say that this is the key to happiness, but it is a method of growth. I’m not one of those people who believes ‘everything happens for a reason.’ Sometimes things just suck. But everything does have something to teach us if we can look for the lesson. It makes sure that nothing is meaningless.
So, work on the stories you tell yourself about your life. Don’t just accept the ones you were handed in your childhood. Create new stories for yourself. It won’t be easy. You’ll have to constantly revise and reinforce them, but it will put you more in control of your life and your mental well-being. It’s a start in the right direction, at the very least, and sometimes all we need to do is take that first step.