Chad Grayson

Taking stock at 49

              Today was my 49th birthday. There were times, over the years, when I didn’t think I would make it to this age. I couldn’t imagine getting here without having killed myself. But I am here, and I am happy, and this provides a convenient moment to take stock.

              My relationships with my family members have never been better. I have no secrets form them, not anymore. I am able to share my entire life with them, and that is a gift. My parents accept me. I have a good, close, relationship with my kids. I think we all enjoy each other as people. I continue to show up for my family and they show up for me. I love my grandkids and enjoy having them in my life. I have no complaints about this part of my life.

              As far as work goes, I have two careers: Author and librarian/i.t. guy. My work at the library continues to be fulfilling, and not too stressful. I enjoy working with the staff and with the patrons. It’s a great environment to spend time in. I am also happy with the work am putting out there as an author. I am writing a lot, and publishing a lot, and that, too, has been fulfilling. I don’t feel like I’ve really found my audience yet, but I remain committed to the self-publishing path that I am on. I want to be the one in charge of my career, choosing what I write and when. This is a long game, and I am only at the start.

              There are numerous strategies I can use to expand my reach and get more sales, strategies that I have yet to try. And I know my work is not for everyone. It may have something of a niche audience. I am ok with that. But I know my audience is out there. I just have to be patient and keep putting out my best work. Eventually, my people will find me.

              My health is good. My body does everything I ask it to without too much complaint, and that is a gift I am grateful for. I am still way too fat, but I am working on it. I have lost 4.2 pounds in the last four days, on Noom. I know this pace is not sustainable, but it has been nice to get a jump start in this endeavor.

              My dating life? Tumbleweeds. I keep putting myself out there on dating apps, but the guys I match with don’t message me back, and the ones who do pursue,  me I am not interested in. This is actually the one discouraging part of my life right now. Maybe it will get better when I lose the extra weight? I mean, I really wouldn’t want to date me right now. I have to believe that if I keep making progress, and putting myself out there, I will eventually find a partner, or at least a date. I have also been attending more local lgbt events to make friends and possibly meet people that way. We’ll see what happens.

              I have to believe that my guy is out there, and he’s looking for me too.  That’s been my mantra lately, in a lot of things.

              What I’m looking for is looking for me.

              It’s the thought that will carry me into my fifties (still a year away, don’t get it twisted).

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