Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written a substantial post. The first six months of this year have been rough. I was sick up until the beginning of May and then have been playing catch up ever since. I did manage to write the entirety of The Radiant Tomb, the sequel to Curse of the Onyx Heart, which people have been asking for. I also released Valley of Storms in April, and The Calculus of Hope in July, so I’ve been getting things done, but barely. And it’s made me think about how we prioritize things and what gets left behind and why.
Hank Green observed on social media that he was feeling envious at one point about one or more of the thirst trap accounts that post on Instagram. And, like, been there, Hank, been there. But it led him to an observation. Of course, that person was in excellent shape. They made it one of the top three priorities in their life. And for that person, it was a valid choice. They made part of their living from being in shape and sharing fitness tips and hot pictures. No everyone has that option.
And that rang really true for me. I feel like most people can have many 2-3 main priorities they pay attention to, and to which they are able to give adequate effort. If you have a day job, that likely must be one of those priorities or you’ll get fired. If you have a family, especially with kids at home, that has to be a top priority. That leaves very little space left over for other pursuits, and if creative projects are up there with the others, you’re not going to have time to put in a lot of time at the gym. It’s just math (sorry, that’s as hard as the math will get with this post, I promise). If you have a partner (or partners for all you polyamorous people), your relationship with them will of necessity be a priority. A possible caveat here is that the right partner can absolutely increase your capacity, so it may not be a net loss, but it’s still a relationship you need to maintain. And in my experience, this is kind of rare, at least long term.
So, writing and publishing is absolutely one of my top three priorities, and my performance through the first part of this year bears that out. I hit my goals. I published books. I wrote an entire a/b draft despite being sick. I didn’t drop the ball or fall short of my publishing plans. I didn’t get as far ahead as I was hoping to get, but everything writing and publishing-wise was handled.
Everything else … not so much. Last year working on my health and fitness was a top three priority, and I had gotten to a pretty good place. Then, when I got sick, I was out of the gym for five months, and I lost nearly all my progress. To say this was extremely frustrating is an understatement. It really sucks that you can lose progress much faster than you gained it. My priority for the first part of this year, during the months of pretty serious illness, had to be on getting better. Going to the gym absolutely did not fit in there. It would have been detrimental.
Now that I’ve recovered, I’ve made my health and fitness a priority again. My goal is to be strong as I can be through the next twenty-thirty years, and that work must start now. Last year, I was stronger than I’d been even in my early thirties. I was proud of that progress, and I made me feel sick to lose it. But my body seems recovered and I’ve put myself back in the gym and started watching my food intake again, making sure to get enough protein to fuel the gains I’m looking for. I’ve been back about a month, and it’s getting easier, but I am still nowhere near where I was before. It’s going to take time to build back. And that is another one of my main priorities right now.
And even though I do not have kids I am raising right now, being there for my parents, kids, and grandkids absolutely has to be one of those top three priorities. There are a lot of moving pieces to this family system, and I need to fill in where I can sometimes at the last minute. I have six grandchildren . My daughter suffered a catastrophic birth injury back in November and is still not fully recovered, so we all need to be on hand to help out with those five children. My son is integrating his life with his fiancée’s three-year-old, so this situation doesn’t seem to be calming down anytime soon, and honestly, I wouldn’t want it to. The oldest of these grandchildren is nine years old, so there’s a lot of care they all need. Many days it’s all hands on deck. So, there’s a slot that is very full.
Which means there are other things that must take a backseat. Freelance editing and book covers have to be here. I only take certain jobs when I have the bandwidth. I could be making more money here, but it would be at the expense of other things, most likely my own books and fitness goals, and I’m not willing to set either of these things aside.
Another thing I focused on last year was dating and looking for a partner. I met a lot of people and went out on a lot of dates. And even though nothing really felt right, it was a good experience. This necessarily got cut short when I got sick, and even while I was sick, I started casually dating someone new. He lives an hour away and we don’t get to see each other a lot, but having a low-stakes casual connection where we see each other every couple of weeks is exactly what I need right now. We’re both busy. He has a very stressful, all-consuming job, so neither one of us has the bandwidth for something serious right now. Maybe in the future that will change and if so, I am open to it, but right now having that connection is all I need. It’s definitely a back-burner situation and we’re both happy with that.
I am also starting a new thing as the GM of our local Queer association’s D&D group, but I’m keeping it limited to pre-made one shot modules at first, so it doesn’t consume my life. I really believe this social outlet with be good for me, and I love GM-ing, so this should be a fun thing and not another stressful priority.
Everybody must decide for themselves what their priorities are. I see a lot of people who struggle with this, especially when creative goals are involved. If you’re in a cycle of your life where you have a stressful full-time job, are raising young kids, and have a relationship and a household to maintain, it makes sense you might not be writing as much as you wish you were. Don’t give yourself shit for that, or act like you’re doing anything wrong or would be getting more done if you just managed your time better. It’s not only the minutes of the day that need to be managed. It’s your own mental and physical bandwidth. Not writing a lot during this kind of era is not a failure of discipline.
The good news is that things can change, and as you get older your life could open up in ways you wouldn’t expect.
I’m extremely fortunate to have an income from a STRS disability pension, so I don’t have to fit a stressful day job in with everything else, and that I have the skills to do all the publishing work myself so that my books don’t have to financially support me (not that it wouldn’t be nice if I were making more money from them). Few people are as fortunate as this, and I don’t take it for granted.
So, please realize that even if the calendar makes it look like you should be accomplishing more, that you can only really focus on 2-3 top priorities. I’m lucky I mostly get to choose these, but that is not always the case.
So, give yourself a break, if you’re in a busy season. Do what you can, when you can, but hold yourself to a realistic standard. And give yourself thanks for handling as much as you are.